I just wanted to share a little more about myself to all my new friends out her at Truckers Spaces. I have been driving for all of my adult life and have pretty much struggled with my weight most of my life. Well about 4 yrs ago I was having troubles staying awake at the wheel. I was comming into Charlotte, NC and fell asleep at the wheel. I almost hit about 5 cars stopped at a light. I didn't hit any and safely hit the shoulder but this was my wake up call and I pulled myself off the road and went home. It took almost a week to get an appointment with my family doctor and the day I went in I was showed to the examination room. I did what I felt at the time was taking a nap. I awoke 3 days later to find myself in the I.C.U at our local Hospital. I still remember the look on the Doctor's face when he looked me in the eyes and asked me if I knew how close I had just came to dying. I didn't speak and he said something that put a fire under me. He looked at me and said if you don't lose a lot of weight and fast you won't make it another year at the most. I had went to do what I thought was find out why I couldn't stay awake and in the clinic I went into Congestive Heart Failure & Respiratory Failure. It was in November of 2005 that I had my Gastric Bypass Surgery in Middletown, OH and to this day I have lost a total of 285 pounds. I still have more to go and have one more surgery to remove all the excess skin thats accumualted. I have never been married and have never had any children and have always wished I could meet someone and settle down. Well I did. I met a young lady on yahoo personnals and she stole my heart. She has her difficulties and it did not matter to me because she stole my heart and I love her unconditionally. She has a mild case of Cerebral Palsey. She walks with a slight limp and her left hand is a little smaller than her right. This did not faze me in the least and she was and still is the most beautiful sight my eyes have ever held. God how I love her and miss her. She has lived with her parents her whole life and they both told me she had a extremely hard time dealing with her emotions and sharing her feelings and needs. I went forward with dating her and after about 6 months knew she was everything I was looking for and more. I drove almost 1100 miles non stop to meet the jeweler on a saturday to buy the engagement set that I had intended to gie her on Christmas and could not wait. We had went out to eat and I had the rings in my pocket and went by the yard to crank my truck and let it run as I had my fridge going because I was headed back out that evening. We were setting there in the parking lot and I looked over and she smiled at me and asked what was on my mind. I said you know I love you? She replied yes I know. I told her you know I want to marry you. She replied yes after a few minutes. At that point I had a urge that I could stand no more and I asked her what would you say if right now I asked you to marry me? I said hypothetically what would you say? She had a blank look that came over her and was lost for words. I couldn't wait no more and reached into my pocket and pulled out the rings and I broke down right there and with tears in my eyes I told her I love you and can't live another day without knowing if you will marry me. I said I love you and will you please marry me. She said yes and then I really lost it. That was and is still the happiest moment in my life. She set the date at August 9th of this yr and I was Happy. I didnt think things would end like they did because she always led me to believe she was happy and things were good for us. We never even had a argument. She went dress shoping one day with her friends and I picked her up later and we went out to eat. Things wer great but I knew something was bothering her. I always told her im not perfect but if you just tell me when something is wrong I will fix it and wont do this again. She said nothing was wrong she was just tired. I took her home and she was quiet the whole time. As I was kissing her good night I asked her again what was wrong and she said she was tired. I said Please tell me whats bothering you and she insisted nothing was the matter. I told her then, I feel like you are mad at me and are going to leave me. She grabbed me and said I love you and will never leave you. Gave me a big ole kiss and hugged me and held me and sent me home thinking that maybe she was just tired. The next day after work she called me and said I don't think its going to work!!! She refused to speak to me or even explain this to me. Just that it's not working anymore. There was silence for over a month and finally she spoke to me and I asked her why she would do this and she said I dont know. Her mother had told me this but I never seen this one comming. I got to see her maybe 2 times a week because of my job but she felt crowded because this was her first serious relationship and she didnt know how to handle the feelings she was feeling. So instead of trusting me with her feelings and needs and trying to communicate this she gave up on me and herself. I have recently found out she and all her friends think I am to nice for my own good as I spoiled her while we were together. I wont get into this accept to say I loved her and wanted to spoil her and she said she enjoyed this. I am hurting so bad right now I just want to crawl into a corner and die. Ihave never hurt this bad and I am struggling just to go on day by day. I know everyone has noticed I enjoy taking pictures. This is the only thing that I have found that takes my mind off of her in any way at all. When I put that camera in my hand and screw on the telephoto lense and I see something in the distance I know it is a moment in time that I have to capture and I want to give it my very best. I will be posting more pictures every day and more blogs talking about my feelings and the things I am going through. I am setting in a rest area right now on I 30 just west of Texarkana, Tx and I am heading to Lavergne, TN. ( Nashville ). I loaded this load in Heber, Ca on Saturday about lunch time and havent stopped much at all. It is 4:53 in the morning and as if I am not rushed for time I felt the need to share this with everyone out here at Truckers Spaces. I need to get a life I guess!!! I just cant find the strength to do this right now and I am struggling and hanging on by a thread..... Sincerely: Lost & Confused 
Tags: Life
